Transformed Heart.

Okay, so I have a confession. I haven’t updated in forever because I haven’t exactly been able to process the past week very well. My heart was really heavy & I wasn’t able to identify the cause. It wasn’t necessarily that I was home sick or desperately missed anything specific from the states – I was just being shaken to the core about my life. At first I just tried to push it aside, look for the positive in every situation and know that the Lord had me here for a purpose. Once that didn’t really work, I moved to step b -- pro-actively trying to figure out what was wrong instead of ignoring it.

With all of that said, we traveled to Venice this weekend [incredible weekend / beautiful beyond words city], so I had a lot of time to think about what was going on during our travels…

I feel like this decision to study abroad is extremely selfish and it is absolutely driving me crazy. This entire semester is about me. My parents are paying thousands of dollars to ship me off to explore Europe / further my education. They don’t get to see all the pretty buildings, churches, or experience these once in a lifetime adventures – just me.

I know that my parents want nothing me than for me to be here and are very excited I have this opportunity, but at the same time, it makes me sick to think of their sacrifices for this little self-centered trip. Most of the time I would rather be at home raising awareness for breast cancer / LOVE146 or spending time with my Make A Wish kids. My heart desires to make a difference in people’s lives, I want to be apart of history in the making and know that I’m not an ignorant American that didn’t help make the world a better place. I want my life to be a bold statement of trust and faith in our Savior. I’ve discovered one of my favorite things about Susan G Komen, LOVE146, Make A Wish and any non-profit organization is that they prove there is still goodness in the world. It is easy to get swallowed up by the natural disasters, broken lives, and evil that surrounds us without taking a stand against it.

We’ve been in Italy for 17 days and the reality of how quickly time will pass is setting in. For the most part, regretfully, this trip has been exactly what it sounds like, “all about callyn”, and I’m not going to live like that any longer. The Lord has convicted me that my days are extremely fleeting and I’m in Italy with these 32 other OU students to make a difference. Although I’m not in the states able to pour my time into non-profit organizations – I have the opportunity to boldly love 32 other people who are my “family” for the next few months. I came into this situation knowing this was my calling for the semester, but I never thought about how I would be stripped of every other thing I typically spread my time between. This trip isn’t about traveling to beautiful cities, seeing historical art, and it’s definitely not about learning the Italian language (thankfully!)--- because if it was, I would be nothing less than miserable. Those things don’t make my heart happy – but fiercely loving God’s people for exactly who they are & where they are is one of my greatest joys. My desire is to be a light in this country and show people the life changing love & mercy of my perfect Savior.

My heavy heart originated from the fact that I felt like I wasn’t changing the world – I was just being of the world. My heart’s desire is to entirely invest myself into something / someone greater than myself. I want to leave Italy with a transformed life and not because of some phenomenal art I saw – but because I saw the hand of Christ work in mighty ways.

I’m thankful that Jesus has opened my eyes and ears to my selfish ways. He loves me enough to restore my heart. I’m grateful that He makes all things new and daily gives me a new perspective on my life. He hasn’t forgotten about my heart’s desire while I’m in Italy. His purpose and ways are higher than mine and I cannot even wait to see where He takes me this semester.

transformed by His love,

callyn.

Psalm 107:8 – “Let them give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness.”

PS: don't forget to be reading Nat & Toni's blogs! :) I'm so thankful for their incredible abilities to document this trip so perfectly. They, by far, have been the biggest blessings of this semester and I'm so thankful we are able to walk down this spiritual / emotional journey together while in Italy. Praise Jesus for their faithfulness, love, and selflessness as friends to me. I'm insanely lucky.